Always THINK, before you SPEAK..

Aaaaahh.

I said something I shouldn't have said....

"What are the problems/challenges that you want to overcome?"

"Uhm.. my friend.......... and someone I like.. "

"Your friend and...?"

"My friend and someone I like."


Zing! That's it. All out in the open. I can't take it back. And now.... I regret saying it. I even regret thinking about it. Why can't I get it out of my mind? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Why can't I just throw these thoughts away and go on with my business?

Well. It's simply because I still can't believe it happened. I still can't accept one simple, frustrating fact : he likes my friend.... more than he likes me.

I might not have enough evidence to prove it. But I have these feelings... and I can feel it. It's like he wants to show it to me. Ugh. Can you at least hide it? Or at least, do not show your attraction to her when I'm around. And honestly,I don't want to see the two of you hanging around as if you've known each other for a long time.

Bitter?

Yeah, I guess I am. Because I'm just not ready yet. It'll take some time before I get over this because a friend of mine is involved. And it hurts even more... because it also feels like they're hiding something from me.. something big.. I guess.

This is an issue that's long been bugging me. Something that I didn't know if it should really be considered as a problem. It is something to overcome, yes. But is it really a problem?

Or maybe.... it is just a painful truth that I must learn to accept.

I should stop being a coward..

I should start facing reality...

Wake up!

Big time gambling.

Waiting.

Waiting for something. Waiting for someone else. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone else to come....
I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know why I'm still trap in this painful reality. I don't know why I'm still hanging in here waiting for him to realize everything.

I'm waiting for answers.
I'm waiting for an end.

No matter how many times I told everybody that this is the end, I can't seem to stop. It's like everytime he shows up, everytime I see him, there's this feeling I can't help but feel. Whether it's anger or admiration, it is always there. It was never gone.

The day I realized this should end, I was right about that. It should end. But I can't. I can't seem to let go of him. Trust me. If I could stop this, I really would. But right now, I just can't.

I know that there'll come a time in my life when I really have to forget him. A time when I really have to move on because I can't stay here forever. That time will come. But that time is not now.

I'm still hurt about what happened last summer. It's still bothering me. Everything is still bothering me. I want the answers to why he has acted that way, and to why he has changed... a lot. I want to know his real feelings.

I still can't get him out of my mind......
because I still care.

Yeah. I know. It's very stupid after everything that happened. I know it is wrong.
But you can't control your heart.
You like who you like. You love who you love. And that's it.

It's our life. We could choose how we want to live it.

This is how I want to live mine.

So what if I get hurt over and over again? What if it doesn't make a difference?

At least I tried. At least I never stop believing that this could work out just fine.


*sigh*
I'm taking a very big risk right now.
I'm not really sure how it would turn out.
I really don't know how I could cope with it if this ends badly.......
I'm not sure if trusting him is a very smart thing to do. But what else can I do?




All I know is that....


I'm still waiting for him.